The story of Self-Regulation – The Power of WE over ME

It was March 2024. And we were all looking forward to a great workshop for a customer in Mumbai. There were four of us, who had landed from Singapore, into Mumbai, all to go ahead and empower a cohort of women leaders.

What united us was this energy to say, Hey, this is going to be transformational, and we have to provide them the best experience. But the hotel we stayed in, proved otherwise. We don’t know what happened. But primarily, all four of us came down with food poisoning. It was strange, nobody else had it, but only the four of us. This is where each one of us realized that we were all put together here for a reason. And that reason was to lean on each other.

The three day workshop was all about some people leading some people supporting others leaning in others leaning out. And every person among the four of us was practicing some form of self-regulation. So that WE could be before ME. And that’s the beauty of self-regulation, where you are able to look at serving a larger purpose here, in this case, this cohort of women leaders whom we are empowering, more importantly, look at WE, which is all of us as facilitators and coaches, looking at stepping up to support everybody else.

I thought I will share this story of self-regulation. So that in it, you could sense the power of WE over ME.

The Importance of Self-Regulation: A Personal Journey

Self-regulation is the ability to manage one’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in various situations. This skill is crucial in the workplace, enabling individuals to remain focused, make thoughtful decisions, and interact positively with colleagues.

A couple of years ago, I encountered a particularly challenging period when my father fell seriously ill. Balancing my demanding job with the need to provide support and care for my father was incredibly tough. The emotional and physical demands were overwhelming, making it seem nearly impossible to maintain a balance.

The anxiety and worry about my father’s health were all-consuming. Juggling work responsibilities with frequent hospital visits and caregiving duties left me feeling exhausted and drained.

To cope with this situation, I began by setting clear priorities for both my professional and personal life. I identified my most important work tasks and aligned them with my caregiving responsibilities. This approach helped me focus on essential tasks and delegate or postpone less critical ones.

I also kept a daily journal to monitor my emotions, energy levels, and overall well-being. This self-awareness allowed me to recognize when I was reaching my limit and needed to take a step back, rest, or seek support. Additionally, I implemented a strict schedule with dedicated times for work, caregiving, and self-care. Time-blocking techniques ensured I was allocating enough time to each area without neglecting any responsibilities.

Understanding that I couldn’t manage everything on my own, I reached out for support from colleagues, friends, and family. At work, I communicated my situation to my manager, which led to some flexibility in my schedule. At home, other family members helped share the caregiving duties.

This experience highlighted the importance of self-regulation in maintaining balance and resilience during life’s challenges. By setting clear priorities, practicing mindfulness, self-monitoring, managing time effectively, and seeking support, I was able to navigate this highly stressful period without sacrificing my well-being. Self-regulation not only helped me manage the immediate crisis but also equipped me with skills that continue to benefit me in various aspects of life.

You may remember my post from a few days ago about #selfregulation — on how not having control over my emotions got me in an awkward situation. That was a vulnerability I expressed. It’s only fair that I also talk about how my ability to self-regulate works in my favour.

I’ve realised that being calm in a storm is my self-regulation superpower. In tough situations that could generally involve unrequited anger, exchange of harsh words and burning of bridges, I’ve seen myself instantly disengage and ‘sleep over it’. I’m not sure if disengage is the right word, or it’s being objective, but I am able to take a necessary pause and revisit the issue at a later point. And in most cases, I’ve realised that once the lens of anger breaks, the issue mostly becomes a non-issue. And even if that doesn’t happen, the break allows you the time to reflect and come back with a more objective lens. It wasn’t always that way but with age (and wisdom) I’ve reached a point where I’m able to do this.

And that’s how I manage tough situations. What is a self-regulation practice that has given you results? Let me know!

Life is about a battle between two wolves that often goes on inside people. One is evil. It is angry, envious, jealous, sorrowful, regretful, greedy, arrogant, self-pitying, guilty, resentful, inferior, dishonest, proud, superior, and egotistical. The other is good. This wolf is joyful, peaceful, loving, hopeful, serene, humble, kind, benevolent, empathetic, generous, truthful, compassionate, and faithful.”

“Which wolf wins?” “The one you feed” is the answer.

The point is that we all have a choice about how we react to situations: either in a positive or negative way. The more you practice thinking and behaving positively, the less negativity can affect you and the way you behave.

What Is Self-Regulation?

Self-regulation is the ability to keep disruptive emotions and impulses in check, and to think before acting. It’s one of the five elements of emotional intelligence.

Coming to the story, previously I was working in a Truck sales and service organisation as General Manager, Accounts and Finance.

It was a hot afternoon. A truck owner came to our showroom and issued a Demand Draft for 84 Lakhs towards vehicle advance. Immediately on receiving the DD I found that it is a colour xerox. (Colour Xerox concept was new at that time) I got furious, called the Sales man, and informed him that the DD was fake one, but the sales man was refusing the accept the fact and told me that he is a big owner and will not do like that. I have to control my anger and emotions. Though I know the Truck owner is cheating us, it was a big order and my anger should not affect the business. While the Truck owner was speaking with our Sales and Service Managers about the vehicle, I had directly gone to the bank which issued draft. Though our company has no direct dealing with the Bank I just entered in to Manager’s room and he immediately confirmed that it was a Colour Xerox.

Then I returned to the office and directly gone to the Truck Owner and asked him how he can issue a duplicate DD. He simply laughed and said that the next five days are bank holidays and he wants to save interest for 84 Lakhs, but he wants vehicles urgently and hence issued Fake DD. He then issued the original DD and requested us to present the same after holidays. We refused his request.

Even today I am getting angry about how he cheated us, when recalling the incident, but on that day, I had controlled my emotions for the welfare of our business. It was possible due to constant practice.

The whirlwind never stops.

One minute I’m strategizing as COO, the next I’m coaching executives, then I’m switching gears to crafting a marketing campaign. Before I know it, I am planning a meal and also squeezing in a dance class. It’s a constant flow from one life role to another.

Each role requires my best attention and integration. While I jump from one context to another, I find it comes with its own mental and emotional baggage. So #SelfRegulation becomes an absolute necessity to lead life authentically.

Three practices have helped me tremendously, and they have been my best buddies to practice self -regulation:

1. When I recognise a “un”chanelled negative anger within me, I take time to practice dance. It helps me channel that anger in a constructive non-threatening manner.

2. When I recognise an “un”settled emotion within me, I take support from my ecosystem. I express myself without hesitation or thought of weakness, and vocalise my state or emotion, and request my system to support me constructively to get out of this situation. This practice has helped me self-regulate myself with kind support from my ecosystem.

Like this morning, I was really rushed on time. And could not find 5 minutes to have a proper breakfast and already 2 minutes late for a meeting. I was angry with myself, for not having the discipline to be on time. Once my support system, saw this victim mindset surface, they immediately said positive words, that helped me smile and all it took was 2 minutes to regulate myself and join the call.

3. When I recognise an “un”necessary emotion within me, I simply smile. This has helped me see the situation as an observer and quickly bring back the focus on what truly matters.

This is almost everyday. So I know I am a Work In Progress, with certain practices that helps me sustain my profession, passion and purpose.

My Self-regulation involves Behavior, Self-Motivation, and Stress Management to achieve my long-term goals.
Here are my key aspects and strategies for effective self-regulation:

 1 – Behavioral Aspects:
 – My Day to day Routines includes building consistency and discipline.
 – I monitor my habits by identifying daily patterns and areas for improvement.

 2 – Ways of Self-Motivation:
 – Rewarding myself with some “ME TIME” for completing tasks and achieving my goals.
 – I Visualize my success by staying motivated throughout and being focused on my upcoming challenges.

 3 – Stress Management:
 – I Exercise Regularly by including Swimming & Spending time with my family to reduce stress and improve overall well-being.
 – I Engage myself in puzzle games which helps me stay relaxed, which also helps me stay relieved from stress.

Implementing these strategies helps me develop stronger self-regulation skills, leading to better decision-making and greater success in achieving my personal and professional goals.

In sales profession, one would have favourite clients or prospects. There would also be clients/ prospects whom sales professionals avoid for specific reasons.

I remember my stint 2 decades ago with an IT major based in Bangalore. My first interaction was with a Senior bureaucrat who had no mindshare for my employer for reasons best known to him. Since a large bid was submitted by my predecessor, I had no choice but to visit the government office regularly for technical clarifications, presentations etc. Every interaction with the client was bitter with the bureaucrat speaking in a manner not befitting of his position. I updated my Manager and Leaders about the unpleasant experiences, who counselled me to exercise extreme patience in the face of provocation, till the tender gets finalized or scrapped.

I decided to thicken my skin and move ahead with the pursuit in the interest of my organization. I contemplated and devised a set of To-Do’s to manage the difficult client like speaking very little in the interaction, maintaining a stoic expressionless face, getting engrossed in my notebook when he renders lectures/sermons etc. I could sense the officer getting puzzled with my cool demeanor. He upped the ante with his rhetorics, but I exercise self-regulation and remained calm. Back in office, I would narrate the fun to my colleagues and we would laugh it out. Over time he started mending his ways a bit in the face of my silent protest.

In the next few months the tender was concluded and we were happy to wriggle out of the client. I am thankful to the bureaucrat for making me practice self-regulation, which has helped to serve many good clients better.

It was one of the sessions in a Leadership Development program (those days it was known as Personality Development program) that I attended almost 3 decades ago. We were discussing about positive and negative thinking. The trainer was explaining this with examples. He summed up by saying that positive thoughts alone cannot guarantee success, but negative thoughts guarantee failure.

After the session was over, I still had doubts about how to overcome negative thoughts. Hence I approached the trainer offline.

He took some more time to explain this. He said “Kumar, our mind is like a monkey. It keeps jumping here and there. It releases all kinds of thoughts. But whenever your mind releases a negative thought, just be conscious of it. You immediately release a counter-positive thought so that the negative thought gets nullified.  For ex, if your mind says you cant win this deal, you immediately release a positive thought that you will definitely win this deal.

From then on, I have been practicing this simple yet powerful self-regulation practice. I am seeing a tremendous shift and always feeling positive due to this.

Have you ever wished you had taken a ‘heat-check’ before you did or said something without thinking especially to a loved one? Ever felt guilty and wanted to take back a hasty decision, uncontrolled outburst or random rushed reaction? Have you been in situation where you had to maintain a calm demeanor during difficult times and respond in a considerable manner?

Do you wish you were one of those? I definitely do! As much as one wants to remain calm and regulate themselves, managing each person’s expectations right from parents, siblings, bosses, colleagues, friends and even to house-help- it becomes challenging, and we lose our calm. I have faced this a number of times. But 2 things that has worked for me has been

1. To take a PAUSE- It could be a simple silence for few seconds between conversations, but it can make an immense difference to the quality of your response.
2. ART- Dabbling with colors and creating something on canvas has helped reach a calmer state of mind. Art has definitely become a medium of expression and self-regulation.

 What is a self-regulation practice that has given you results?

Work is never easy. We are all in the pursuit of delivering business results, but it can be quite overwhelming sometimes. There have been times when I have been on the verge of emotional outbursts, and in those moments, I usually relied on three steps.

1) Pausing to Prioritise: No matter how busy I am, I get up from my desk and look at trees from my balcony for at least 5 minutes. It helps me take a breather and then prioritize better.

2) Release & Communication: I have a ‘Rant Document’ where I scribble and journal before my anger gets the better of me. Then, if I feel like I need to communicate something to someone at work, I do it clearly after I have calmed down.

3) Distraction & Connections: Social snacking helps. During breaks, having a little bit of conversation to connect with friends or my mother helps me find balance in my work. It also forces me to compartmentalize better.

What are your practices that have helped you with #SelfRegulation ?